Control
by tivaXshipper
Summary: When Ziva gets back from Somalia, she uses some scary ways to gain back control and control her emotions. TRIGGER WARNING – self harm, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts. Read and review xo
1. Secrets

**WARNINGS: Self harm, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, smut. If you will be triggered by this, please don't read it.**

**Other than that, enjoy.**

**xo :)**

**xxx**

Control

Chapter 1 – Secrets

**xxx**

Control.

That was the only reason I ever did any of this stupid crap. To be in complete control. One day I finally found I could live without being in control. I thought I would never do any of this stupid crap again. But I was so wrong.

Somalia took my control away. Saleem took my control away. I could not stand being so out of control. At least before I still had a far bit of control. In Somalia I had none. When Tony rescued me the control still did not return. I fell back to my old ways. And now I can't stop. I know what I'm doing is stupid but I can't stop, and I'm not sure I want to. Living like this is easier, even if it means keeping massive secrets from my family. By family I do not mean my father, I mean my team, Gibbs, Tony, McGee, Abby, Ducky and even Jimmy.

I hated keeping secrets from my family, but this time it was absolutely necessary. I wasn't going to hurt them, not after everything they had done for me. I wasn't going to let them know they had saved me from one torture just for me to torture myself. I would hide everything so well, so they would never ever find out.

**xxx**

It had been 2 months since Ziva had returned from Somalia. She had slotted back into everyday life so easily; it was like she had never left, like she hadn't been tortured in Somalia for months. This worried Tony. He had no idea how she could come back and act like nothing happened. She always seemed so calm, she always seemed so happy. Tony was scared for her. She hadn't even broken down when they first came home. She had never showed any sadness, not even in the first week of being back.

**xxx**

Gibbs' yell of "grab your gear" was welcomed. The team had no current case and had spent the day trying to find leads on cold cases. As they had for the last 2 months, Ziva rode in the car silently and showed no emotion, while Tony worried about her.

"So boss, what's the deal with this case?" McGee said.

"Don't know."

McGee's attempt at starting a conversation had failed, but that was to be expected when one tried to start a conversation with Gibbs while he was driving.

The scene of the murder was an abandoned warehouse and, when they opened the door, they did not like what they found. The body of a woman was strapped to a chair in the centre of the room. She had been tortured viciously, her body covered with cuts, bruises and burns.

Ziva took one look at the body and ran outside. She couldn't handle it. It was a replica of Somalia, except this time the victim had died. Victim. The word made Ziva feel like crying, because she knew she, like the girl they had just found, was a victim.

Ziva ran to the car and took a seat inside. She wouldn't let herself cry or even show and emotion. She had to be strong and keep this mask up. One slip up and everything she had spent so long hiding could be revealed.

When Ziva had gathered her emotions and walked back into the warehouse Gibbs was just hanging up his phone.

"Ziva, go home. Director Vance has decided that instead of working this case, you can find and follow up leads on cold cases," he said to her.

"No! I must work this case. There is nothing wrong. I can handle it."

"Go home," Gibbs said.

"Please? Let me stay."

"Go," Gibbs replied, with a tone that said this conversation was over.

"I can drive you home if you want," Tony offered, knowing something was most definitely wrong.

"No, I will get a taxi."

**xxx**

Sitting in the taxi, Ziva finally let her emotions go. She just cried. Not the type of crying where you sob loudly and uncontrollably, it was the type of crying where you just sit there silently with tears rolling down your face, the heartbreaking type of crying. And she just couldn't stop, not matter how hard she tried.

She _should_ have been able to handle it. She was supposed to be over Somalia, to not be upset by things that reminded her of Somalia. She didn't want to get upset; she _should not_ have got upset. She had promised herself she would keep her emotions hidden away, far way where no one could find them. She had promised herself she would slowly kill herself without her team finding out, because it was easier like that. Slowly killing herself; they were the perfect words to describe this situation, because that's exactly what she was doing and exactly what she was aiming to do.

She deserved a slow death and that's why she wouldn't just hang herself or slit her wrists. Well, at least that's why she was trying not to kill herself quickly, but she didn't know how much longer she could hold out.

She had a feeling Tony would visit or at least ring her tonight. She wished he wouldn't. She wished he wouldn't care. She hated people caring for her. She decided she would ring him when she got home. She didn't need him worrying about her.

**xxx**

Back in the bullpen, Tony was sitting at his desk. He was quiet, which started to worry his co-workers. Tony was never _ever_ quiet. He was worrying about Ziva. She had seemed so off today. He knew she was never okay, no matter how hard she tried to look like she was, but today she just couldn't hold her emotions in and that frightened him.

His mobile phone rang and he knew it was her.

"Hello Tony," Ziva said, trying to sound as happy as possible.

"Hey, how are you? I'm kind of worried about you, everyone is. Today was a big thing for you," he replied.

"I am fine, Tony. I do not get why everyone is worried! I am safe and I am happy, so can you just stop worrying?" she said with an anger that shocked Tony. It was also obvious she had been crying, he could tell by her voice.

"Fine," Tony said, knowing lying to her was easier. "I've got to go anyway. Bye."

"Shalom."

**xxx**

Ziva knew she had upset Tony, but honestly she didn't care. No scratch that, she did care. She couldn't pretend that she didn't. She needed a release; she needed to get these emotions out. She walked into her bathroom, locking the door behind like she always did. She followed her normal routine.

She pulled open one of the drawers in her bathroom, the one that contained all the items she needed for her 'release'. Like always, she pulled out a single razor blade and put it on the sink, then she pulled out a bandage and placed it next to her blade.

She pulled up the sleeve of her shirt and looked at her arm. The sight of the cuts, both recent and healing, burns and scars that covered her arm, thighs, stomach and hips made her feel both disgusted and accomplished. She hated that she was so weak that she had to cut and burn herself, but to her it was the only way of surviving.

She picked up her blade and took a breath. She put it on her arm and pulled across quickly. When you cut quickly it was deeper but didn't hurt as bad, when you cut slowly it was shallow but stung more. She cut seven more times quickly and for her final cut she pulled her blade across her arm as slowly as she could, knowing she deserved all this pain.

She watched as the blood poured down the sink. After about ten minutes, Ziva bandaged her arm. She knew she would have to change the bandages before she went to bed, as the cuts were deep and would bleed through the bandages eventually. She washed out the sink and pulled her sleeve back down, making sure the bandage was covered and unnoticeable.

This was one of her secrets; Ziva David self harms, cuts herself, whatever you want to call it, it's what she does. This was how she appeared so calm, so happy.

This was one of the secrets she would never tell her team and one part of the 'stupid crap' she did. She would take this secret, as well as the others, to the grave; no one was ever going to find out.

**xxx**

Ziva then walked into her bedroom and grabbed her lighter and a packet of cigarettes. This was another secret, no one knew she smoked. It was a disgusting habit, but it made her feel calm and in control and she liked those feelings, so she smoked.

Standing outside, she lit a smoke and heavily inhaled, loving the instant feeling of calm that washed over her. She smoked that cigarette and two others, and then walked back inside, ready to have a shower and change her bandage.

**xxx**

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Fuck!" Ziva said, knowing exactly who was at the door. She had just let her hair out of its sleek ponytail, so she could have a shower and wash her hair.

She walked to the door and opened it a tiny bit, just enough so she could see him, "I thought I told you I was fine."

"Yeah you did and I don't believe you. Everyone is so worried about you. Stop acting like you're fine and actually show everyone how you feel. We all know you're not alright."

Ziva opened the door all the way, the anger on her face unmistakable. "Leave! Now!"

Not letting her anger faze him, Tony looked at her and saw some things he didn't like. He said in the calmest voice he could muster, knowing what he was about to say would upset her, "Ziva, why do you smell of smoke? And why is there blood on your sleeve?"

**xxx**

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	2. Secrets are Exposed

**Just saying, I'm Australian so if you don't get something I say don't hesitate to ask me what it means.**

**Hope you like this :)**

**xo**

**xxx**

Control

Chapter 2 – Secrets are exposed

**xxx**

"It's just ketchup," Ziva said, mentally kicking herself. She could not believe she had spent so long trying to hide her cutting and it could be found out all because she hadn't controlled her emotions.

"In perfect lines like that? Yeah right. Anyway you don't eat anymore. Ziva what's going on? What about the smoke smell?" Tony asked, clearly worried.

"I smoke, what is wrong with that?"

"I didn't know you smoked," Tony said.

"Well I do."

"Ziva, do you cut yourself?" Tony asked. He knew she would never admit to it, but asking her was worth a shot.

"No! You obviously think I am crazy! Just leave! I need to get in the shower. So just go."

When Ziva shut and locked her front door, Tony didn't even try to stop her. She already felt bad, and that made her feel was. Although she did not want her secret found out, she thought he cared about her but obviously he didn't.

She went into the bathroom and started to undress. She also took off her bandage. She hoped into the shower, turned on the water and just stood there. The water hit her arm and it stung, but she didn't care; she was hardly aware of the pain. She didn't want to believe Tony didn't care, but there was a voice in her head saying that he didn't. She couldn't stop herself from crying. She just showered and washed her hair while tears poured down her face.

**xxx**

When Ziva got out of the shower, she re-bandaged her arms, got into her pyjamas and walked into her lounge room.

"You know I could have you charged for breaking and entering," she said to the person sitting on the couch.

"Technically you can't. While I have entered your house without permission, I didn't break anything. I picked the lock instead."

"Tell that to the judge," Ziva said with a laugh. "I am glad you stayed, Tony. I actually thought you didn't care."

"Of course I care," Tony said. He stood up and went to hug her but she took a step backwards and shook her head. He sat back down, thinking about how, since Somalia, she wouldn't let anyone touch her. The only person who had was Abby, and that was only a hug when Ziva first got back.

"Sorry, I just cannot handle it," Ziva said, seeing the falter in his smile.

"It's fine. I understand."

"Ziva, you need help. You can talk to a counsellor or Ducky, or even Gibbs."

"Leave! Now!" she screamed suddenly. "I am fine!"

Tony walked out of her house without a fight, thinking about how dumb he was to say she needed help so abruptly. He should have suggested it gently, with more of a build-up so it didn't shock her and make her so angry.

Before Tony had even shut the front door, Ziva was outside lighting a cigarette. She needed to feel calmness and, like every time she lit up, she soon did. She soon went to bed, as she was both mentally and physically exhausted from today's events. She just hoped tomorrow would be better, but she severely doubted it.

**xxx**

When Tony got to Gibbs' house he didn't even bother to knock, he knew the front door would be unlocked. He walked down to the basement and, as expected, Gibbs was working on his boat. He walked over to where Gibbs kept his bourbon and poured himself a glass.

After taking a sip he said, "Hey Boss."

Gibbs didn't reply so Tony kept talking.

"I need some advice. I have a friend who I'm extremely worried about. This friend is doing some pretty scary and dangerous stuff. I'm scared this person won't be here much longer."

Gibbs thought for a couple of minutes. "Have you tried talking to them?"

"Yes," Tony replied. "They just made me leave."

"Show her you care, show her that you can't lose her," Gibbs said.

"Boss, I never said it was a girl."

Gibbs ignored Tony and kept talking. "Go to her house tomorrow after work and tell her she means everything and that you're scared she won't be here much longer."

"Thanks boss, will do." Tony finished his bourbon and started to walk up the stairs.

"Tony! Make sure you tell Ziva that the rest of us care just as much as you," Gibbs said with a knowing look on his face.

Tony just nodded and continued to walk up the stairs. He drove home and although he went straight to bed, he took forever to fall asleep, his brain kept awake by thoughts of what he would say to Ziva tomorrow.

**xxx**

Ziva's alarm went off at 4:45am. Like every morning, she got up, had a smoke and then got changed into her gym clothes and went for a run. She ran for an hour, coming home at 6. She had a quick shower, and came out with a new cut on her leg.

She walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. She looked inside and grabbed her breakfast, a quarter of an apple. Tony wasn't right last night. While she doesn't eat much anymore, she still does eat. She just liked to control what she put into her body.

As she had come straight home from the crime scene yesterday, not stopping to get her car, she called a taxi and went to work, hoping she could prove to Tony that she was fine.

**xxx**

Tony woke up at 10 to 7. He hadn't gotten much sleep last night. He had spent too much time worrying about what he would say and Ziva's reaction, and after yesterday, he knew her reaction wouldn't be too good.

In true Tony DiNozzo style, he just put on deodorant and clean clothes, well he was pretty sure they were clean, and drove to work, stopping at a drive thru to get breakfast and coffee, for not only him but for the boss as well.

He arrived at work 30 minutes late. He walked to Gibbs' desk and put the coffee he had bought him on it. Ziva and Probie were at their desks, tracking down leads, and Tony had no idea where the boss man was.

Tony sat down to play a game on his computer, and soon enough Gibbs walked in.

"Morning boss," Tony said, shutting the game down as fast as he could.

Gibbs took a sip of his coffee and then replied with, "I thought I told you to delete that game last week."

"I will do it now."

"And Tony?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't be late again."

"I can't promise that forever, but I won't be late again this week."

"Uh-huh," Gibbs said, knowing he would probably be late again tomorrow.

The day was pretty quiet, with the whole team tracking down leads. Ziva was finding leads on cold cases, while the rest of the team tried to find a suspect for their current case.

**xxx**

At lunch Tony ordered Chinese. He asked everyone what they would like and was surprised when Ziva actually ordered something. He didn't say anything but it was obvious to Ziva he was happy and that he thought his comment about her not eating had made a difference; that what he had said had made her eat.

When the food arrived, Ziva felt sick just looking at it. She had only eaten more than 300 calories a day a couple of times since she had returned from Somalia. And even then, she had gotten rid of it soon after she had eaten it.

This was another secret of hers, that she had an eating disorder. She had a combination of anorexia and bulimia. She loved the feeling of not eating or eating then vomiting it back up. It made her feel in control, like everything else she did.

Ziva ate her lunch, drinking water after every bite. She noticed Tony looking at her, and he was obviously happy she had eaten something.

Tony was ecstatic that Ziva was eating. He even thought maybe he could put off taking to her for another couple of nights. Maybe she was getting better; maybe what he had said to her last night had done the trick.

Ziva had finished her meal and went to the toilet. She made sure no one else was in there, then walked into a cubicle and locked the door. She got down on her knees and placed her head over the toilet. Shoving her fingers down her throat she started to retch.

Tony decided to follow Ziva into the toilet and talk to her in private. When he was outside the door he thought he heard someone gag. He walked into the bathroom quietly and saw that only one door was closed. He heard Ziva gag again and he couldn't handle it. He walked out, not caring that the door slammed closed.

"Shit!" was all Ziva could say. She knew it was Tony who had heard her. Even though it upset her, she just went back to vomiting. It was another 5 minutes before anything came up. When she was finished she flushed the toilet, making sure no evidence of her vomiting was left behind, washed her hands and washed her mouth out with water.

The rest of the day went by quietly, with Tony avoiding Ziva and Ziva avoiding Tony.

**xxx**

It was 8pm when Tony pulled up outside of Ziva's house. He had no idea what he was going to say, all he knew was that he had to say it, that he had to help her.

He walked up to her front door and knocked…

**xxx**

**If you take the time to read, why not take the time to review? I appreciate every review I get! Your effort won't go unnoticed or unappreciated. So review! :) **


	3. Reality

**Sorry about the massive wait for this chapter. I have been on holidays and I had no internet, so no . Yes, it nearly killed me :P .**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**xo**

**xxx**

Control

Chapter 3 – Reality

**xxx**

_Knock, knock, knock._

When Ziva answered the front door she didn't expect Tony to be outside. She didn't say anything to him. Instead, she just walked to her couch and sat down, leaving her front door open. Tony walked in and shut the door behind him. He walked to the couch and sat down next to Ziva, but he didn't look at her.

When Tony finally had the courage to look at her, he said, "Ziva, what you're doing is scary and-"

"Do not treat me like a child," Ziva said. "I know this is scary for you and I know it is stupid. I know I am weak for doing this."

"You are not weak; you are one of the strongest people I know. I'm just worried and-"

Ziva cut him off again, "Do not worry about me."

"Ziva let me say this without cutting me off," Tony said. Ziva just nodded.

Tony got up and walked to the window. He couldn't bring himself to look at her while he said what he knew he had to say, so he just looked out the window.

"Ziva I'm so scared I'm going to lose you. The rest of the team is scared too." Tony could feel the tears starting to form in his eyes, threatening to spill over. "I'm losing you to self harm, to an eating disorder, even to cigarettes and whatever else you're doing to yourself. These things are taking over your life and they are taking over you." The tears started to roll down his face and they weren't going to stop anytime soon. "But that's not even the worse part." Tony had to turn around and face Ziva, it would be cowardly not to. When he turned around and Ziva could see the tears running down his face tears started to well up in her eyes, but she wouldn't cry, she doesn't cry; at least not in front of people. Tony continued, "The worst part is that I'm going to end up losing you forever. This will kill you and I honestly don't think I could handle that."

Ziva just broke down. The reality of what she was doing and her situation had been shoved into her face and she couldn't ignore it. Tony was right; this will kill her if she doesn't get help. Before she had been able to convince herself that this wasn't dangerous, and honestly she had even started to believe her own lies. When Tony started to cry, it showed her he really cared and that was also what made her cry.

When Ziva started crying, Tony walked up to her and hugged her. She didn't resist like he thought she would. They stood there for an hour, just hugging each other with tears pouring down both their faces. When they finally let go of each other the tears had long dried up. They both walked to Ziva's bed, got in and fell asleep without even changing their clothes.

When Tony hugged Ziva and snuggled close to her, she didn't react or push him off. She just felt peaceful and hoped this feeling would last for at least the rest of the night.

**xxx**

When Ziva came home from her run the next morning and got into the shower, she made a decision. For the first time in over 2 months, she wasn't going to cut in the shower that morning. It scared her that she wasn't going to cut but it also made her feel empowered. She was scared because she didn't know how she would react if something happened that made her upset because she felt like she couldn't act calm without cutting herself_. Maybe it is alright to show my real emotions_, Ziva thought. Plus there was no way she was cutting with Tony in her house.

**xxx**

Tony and Ziva left for work 10 minutes apart, hoping it wouldn't look suspicious that Tony would still be in the same clothes. He could go home and get changed but he didn't want to be late; after all, he had promised Gibbs he would not to be late again this week. He had time but with his luck he would probably get caught in the traffic and be late.

"Wow DiNozzo, I'm impressed," Gibbs said when Tony walked in.

"Thanks boss. I made a special effort."

"I can see that. There are even 20 minutes until we actually start work," Gibbs said.

"Well I didn't want to be late."

"Would it really take longer than 20 minutes to put on clean clothes?" Gibbs asked.

"Sorry, boss. I will wear clean clothes tomorrow," Tony said with all his DiNozzo charm.

Gibbs just went back to what he was doing before.

**xxx**

Nothing much happened until after lunch. Gibbs was with the director, Ziva was in the bathroom and Tony and McGee were left alone in the bullpen.

"So why haven't you talked about your "hot hook-up" from last night?" Tim asked Tony.

"What?"

"Gee Tony, I'm not dumb. You are in the same clothes as yesterday. That means you didn't go home, so what happened?" Tim said.

"I didn't hook-up with anyone last night."

"Then why didn't you get changed?"

"If you must know, I was helping a friend. It was late so I just slept over at their house," Tony said.

"Girl or guy?"

"Wow McGee, when did you get so annoying?" Tony asked.

"I spent too much time around you," Tim replied. "Was it a girl or guy friend?"

"It was me, McGee," Ziva said as she walked around the corner.

Tim gave Tony and Ziva a weird look before dropping the subject.

**xxx**

"Tony," Ziva said, walking up to him. They had just finished work and they were in the car park, ready to leave. "Would you mind coming over to my house again tonight? I just do not want to be alone."

"Of course," Tony replied. "I will be there at 8."

**xxx**

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	4. Little Talks

**Hey guys :)**

**I hope you are all good :)**

**Enjoy this chapter.**

**Read and review.**

**xo**

**xxx**

Control

Chapter 4 – Little Talks

**xxx**

Tony had been sitting in his car outside of Ziva's house for 15 minutes. It had been 7:30pm when he pulled up outside her house. He decided to sit there waiting so he didn't seem so eager to see her; he always played it cool.

He jumped when someone knocked on his window. He rolled it down and saw Ziva.

"You can come inside," she said.

"I was just a bit early so I thought I would wait," Tony replied.

Ziva walked back to her house laughing. When she reached the front door, she turned around and called out, "I will leave it open."

**xxx**

Tony waited until it was exactly 8 o'clock to walk through her front door. She was sitting on her couch, her feet tucked up, with a hot cup of coffee in her hands.

"Yours is on the kitchen bench," She said, referring to the coffee.

"Thanks."

Tony grabbed his coffee and took a sip of the creamy, warm liquid. _Perfect_, he thought to himself.

"So why did you invite me over?" Tony asked.

"Like I said, I did not want to be alone." Tony gave her a look. "And I thought it would be nice to talk," she said.

"About?"

"Everything. I think I owe you an explanation," Ziva said.

"Ziva, you don't owe me anything," Tony said, "I don't want you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, like this."

"Tony, it is fine. I will stop when it gets too much."

"Okay, if you're sure," Tony said.

Ziva took a deep breath and started her story, "This did not start after Somalia. This started when I was about 14. I felt so out of place, so disconnected. I remember the first time I cut myself so rivetly and-"

"Vividly, not rivetly," Tony said, cutting off her.

"Yes, that. Anyway, the feelings just became too much. I was in the shower and I just picked up my razor and cut my leg. The feeling of the relief I experienced is indescribable. I just cut more and more. I was 16 when I started smoking. I did it to rebel, but again the feelings it brought me were indescribable.

"I stopped smoking at 18. My father found out and was angrier than I had ever seen him. 'Do you want to die from cancer?' he had screamed at me. I was 19 when Ari saw my scars and cuts." Ziva saw Tony's look of disgust and anger but she didn't let it faze her.

"Yes, I know you do not like him," she said, "He was the reason I stopped cutting. He made me feel loved, and just happy. I did not need to cut anymore."

"So you didn't have an eating disorder when you were a teenager?" Tony asked.

"No. I did not develop an eating disorder until Somalia," Ziva replied.

"How about I go get us a refill?" Tony said, gesturing to the empty coffees that both he and Ziva were holding. Ziva nodded, grateful that she could take a break from talking and just breathe.

**xxx**

Tony was proud of Ziva. The fact that she was beginning to open up made him so happy. He was also happy that she was the one he was opening up to. It had taken with a while but eventually he realised he did have feelings for her. At first he thought it was purely sexual but recent events had made him come to realise that it was so much more than that.

Tony walked back to the couch and handed Ziva her cup. "Do you still wanna talk about this? We could always talk about something else, like _Magnum P.I._!" he said, his eyes lighting up at the thought of his favourite TV show.

"I would like to continue talking about this. We can always talk about movies another day, Ziva said with a smile.

Tony looked at her with disgust. "_Magnum P.I. _is not a movie! How could you say that?"

"Sorry Tony," Ziva said with a laugh.

"A movie," he said, still disgusted, "how can you say it's a movie?"

"Back to my story," Ziva said. "I did not cut again until the first time I came to NCIS, when I came to stop Gibbs killing Ari. The pain I felt when Ari was killed was too much. I could not handle it. But I came back to NCIS anyway. The only reason I could face coming back to America was because I could not stand to face my father.

"Remember how I did not fit in when I first came here? It was a repeat of how I felt when I was a teenager. I just could not stop cutting. When I was accepted and stopped feeling like the odd one out, I had the strength to stop cutting again. The only other I time I cut was when Gibbs was in a coma. It was only once and I just felt so bad."

Tony nodded, remembering that period of time well. It had looked like Ziva didn't care about Gibbs, but he knew that wasn't true. Abby wasn't so sure or so forgiving.

"I think that's enough for tonight," Tony said, seeing that Ziva seemed to become more upset with each word she spoke.

"Yes, I think that too."

"I didn't mean to bring up all these bad memories," he said.

"You did not make me tell you this. You are not to blame," she replied. "Also, I cannot ignore my past forever."

"Are you sure you are fine with this?" Tony asked, "You don't have to tell me anymore."

"Yes, it is fine," Ziva said, stifling a yawn. "Just no more tonight."

"Time for bed?" Tony asked.

Ziva nodded

And for the second night in a row, Tony and Ziva fell asleep together, their bodies entwined under the sheets.

**xxx**

**I know this story feels like it ends here, but it definitely doesn't! **

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**xo**


	5. More Talks

**Sorry I have taken so long to update. I just wasn't doing so well and writing this wasn't really helping my state of mind.**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**The next chapter should be up tomorrow or the next day.**

**xoxo**

**xxx**

Control

Chapter 5 – More Talks

**xxx**

It had been a week since Ziva had talked to Tony about everything, well as much as she could at the time. Tony had thought about everything she had told him. In fact, nothing else had been on his mind all week.

He and Ziva had spent most nights together at Ziva's. Tonight Tony decided he would approach Ziva about getting help.

"Hey Zi," he said, "Come sit with me?"

"What is going on?" Ziva said, suspiciously.

"I just thought we should talk," Tony replied. "I was just wondering what you think about getting some help. You don't have to give me answer tonight but I just thought getting help would be good for you. Counsellors can really help."

Ziva had decided not to cut Tony off when he was speaking. She knew he meant well but she would never get help. She told herself that her 'problem' was not severe enough to need help. "Tony, I am not speaking to a counsellor."

"It would benefit you," Tony argued.

"Tony, I was going to wait for a month to tell you but now is fine as well. I have not cut all week. If I feel the need to cut I will talk to you, I promise. I feel great," Ziva lied. In fact she had been cutting more than she normally did.

This surprised Tony; he thought she was still cutting. He swallowed Ziva's lie quicker than a shot of vodka. A small part of him thought maybe she was lying, but he ignored this.

Ziva knew he would accept the lie. It was easier for him to believe it than fight with her.

"Well how about you tell Gibbs what is going on?" Tony said. "He keeps giving me weird looks and I'm certain that he will ask me about us leaving and arriving at work together soon."

"Do I have a choice?"

"Well, it's either that or speaking to a counsellor."

"Fine," Ziva said, too tired to argue. "I am going to bed."

Tony knew she was pissed off, but he had gotten the result he wanted, her talking to someone, and that was all he wanted.

**xxx**

The next day Ziva went to Gibbs' house after work. She sat him down in the basement and told him about her cutting, nothing else.

"Why didn't you tell me, Ziva?" Gibbs was pissed.

"What did you want me to say? That I am completely fucked in?"

A slight grin appeared on Gibbs' face, "I think you mean fucked up?"

"Yes, that."

"You can tell me anything. You know that," he said.

Gibbs felt so upset, so devastated that Ziva didn't trust him enough to tell him this. He understood that it was a private thing but he thought he and Ziva had an unbreakable bond and unshakeable trust.

It also hurt him. He should have seen it earlier. He knew something was up but he had never said anything. He had been such a coward, too afraid to confront the problem because he was scared of what was happening to Ziva, of what _had _happened to her.

"I was just so ashamed. I should not have done these things but there was no other option. It is the only way of coping that I know. I just-"Ziva stopped talking. She was choking on her tears. She did not want them to fall but they still did. She made her angry with herself. Ziva David was not supposed to cry.

Watching Ziva cry and show raw emotion changed something in Gibbs. He could feel his tears forming. He had not cried in such a long time, not since Shannon and Kelly had died; building a boat in his basement and drinking bourbon were easier ways for him to cope with pain.

The look of shock on Ziva's face could only be caused by one thing, seeing Gibbs crying. To see a man who showed no emotion cry made her realise that some other than Tony actually cared.

"Ziva, I don't want to push into getting help but I think it would be beneficial for you," Gibbs said, unsure of her reaction.

"No," she said sharply. "Help is out of the question. I do not need it."

"Ziva-"

"No!"

"Okay. I am just glad you told me. If you ever need to talk I'm here," Gibbs said.

"Thank you. I have to go now, sorry."

"Bye."

**xxx**

Ziva didn't really have to leave, but she couldn't stand keeping the façade up any longer. She acted like this happy girl, but in reality she wasn't. She just couldn't wait to go home and cut and smoke all her troubles away. Tony was staying at his place tonight, so she could do whatever she pleased without worrying if she would be caught.

**xxx**


	6. The Truth is Revealed

**Have fun reading this.**

**Please take time to review :) **

**xo**

**xxx**

Control

Chapter 6 – The Truth is Revealed

**xxx**

Tony wasn't supposed to go to Ziva's tonight. They had decided that everyone at work, especially Abby, was becoming too suspicious about why they were always at each other's houses. Although they had agreed on this, tonight Tony was going to surprise Ziva. He had planned it all out; he had packed a picnic basket and they would have a picnic in her backyard. He thought it would be sweet and secretly hoped that it would turn into something more than just two friends eating dinner together.

When he reached her house, he knocked but no one answered. Finding that the door was unlocked, he walked inside. _Maybe she has gone for a run and forgot to lock the door, _Tony thought. He really had to go to the toilet and hoped that Ziva wouldn't come home before he was finished.

Tony walked into the bathroom.

**xxx**

"Shit!" Ziva said.

She had her sleeve rolled up, with a razor blade resting on her arm. She had not cut yet, but it was obvious she was planning to. Tony could also see cuts that were less than a week old. He was shocked. He was so sure she was going great. He thought that she would be fine after talking to him about everything. Not only was he shocked, he was also angry. She had lied to him, she had said she was fine and the fact she lied to him pissed him off.

"Are you going to do it or not?" he said, his voice slightly raised.

"Tony, get out," Ziva said quietly.

"No."

Get out!" Ziva screamed. She was desperate to cut; it felt like she needed to cut more than she needed to breathe.

"No!" Tony yelled back, "If you are going to cut, you are going to do it in front of me!"

Tony thought that what he said would stop her; his threat was outrageous. Ziva looked him right in the eyes, and that was when Tony knew it didn't matter what he said or what he did, Ziva was still going to cut if she wanted to.

Ziva pulled the blade across her arm again and again, until after what seemed like an eternity, Ziva was finished and there were 7 fresh cuts on her arm.

Tony was so angry. He walked out and left Ziva to bandage her arm.

**xxx**

Ziva walked into the lounge room. Tony was standing at the back door, looking out. He was silent.

After a couple of minutes Ziva decided to start the conversation, "Are you going to say anything?"

"Yes, I am," Tony replied, obviously pissed. "How could you do this? You lie to me, and then you cut in front of me! Are you really that fucked up? Or did you do it because you didn't think I would find out? I thought you were fine! You said you were fine! And I feel like a complete dick because I believed you!"

"Did you ever think that I do not want to stop hurting myself? Did you even consider I prefer my life like this? I prefer being fucked up, because at least I know how I will deal with things and what I will do when things turn bad," Ziva said, her voice getting louder and louder with every word she spoke.

"That is totally fucked up and you know it! I should have made you get help when I had the chance!"

"Why do you care? You are not my boyfriend! We are just co-workers so leave it!" Ziva screamed back.

That comment hurt Tony so much more than he thought it would. He couldn't believe that Ziva had just said that. Tony walked towards the front door.

Just before he was about to walk through it he turned around and said, "If it was Gibbs or Abby here, you wouldn't have said they shouldn't care because they are just a co-worker; what's different about me?"

**xxx**

_SLAM. _Tony had shut the door and walked out. Ziva turned around and that was when she spotted the picnic basket. She leaned against a wall and slid down it; she had no strength left to stand. She had no idea what to do. She had lost Tony, she had no one left to turn to when she needed them and she could only think of one way out.

She walked around in circles while she planned. It was an hour later when she finally acted upon her plan. She wouldn't leave a note; it would be too hard to write. She knew exactly how she would do it. She ran a hot bath, grabbed her razor blade and got in. She ran the blade across her right wrist and then her left.

And with that, Ziva David tried to end her life.

**xxx**


	7. Waiting

**Sorry I took so long to update. Everything's just been a bit crazy.**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter**

**Read and review **

**xo**

**xxx**

Control

Chapter 7 – Waiting

**xxx**

Gibbs was the one who found her.

Tony had rung Gibbs after his and Ziva's fight. Tony told him what had happened and that he was going for a drive and might not be back by tomorrow. Gibbs thought Tony was being stupid and selfish but he kept these thoughts to himself; Tony did not need to become even angrier than he already was.

He went to Ziva's house, maybe an hour after Tony had called him; he had been a bit too drunk to drive there straight away. Gibbs knocked on her front door for at least 5 minutes. After the first minute he started to get worried. He knew she was home as there were still lights on. He couldn't figure out why she wouldn't answer. All he could think of what that she thought it was Tony.

After 5 minutes Gibbs knew something wasn't right. Even an angry Ziva couldn't put up with someone knocking on her door for 5 minutes straight. He picked the lock and walked in. The last room he checked was the bathroom.

_God, I hope she was just in the shower, _he thought, his panic rising. He pushed the door open and the red water was the first thing that caught his eye. There was no time to think; he pulled her out of the bath and placed her on the floor as he called 911. He wrapped both her wrists in towels and applied pressure, trying to stop the bleeding. But there was too much blood, way too much blood! From the redness of the water he could tell she had been bleeding out for only a couple of minutes but the blood was flowing thick and fast. He had been answering 911's questions but he had grown impatient.

"She's dying!" Gibbs screamed into the phone. _Dying. _Ignoring the person on the other end on the phone attempts at calming him, he realised that what he said was true. Ziva was dying.

Gibbs heard the ambulance screech to a stop outside Ziva's house. The paramedics ran in and did their best attempts to stop the bleeding. Gibbs heard phrases like "lost too much blood", "might not survive" being thrown around but he was too distressed to make sense of it all. They then placed Ziva on a stretcher.

As Gibbs looked at her he realised how peaceful she looked. He felt some wetness on his face and wiped it off; he hadn't realised he was crying and had no idea when he had started to cry.

He followed the paramedics out of the house and watched them load Ziva into the ambulance. All he could think about was how lifeless she looked, but he realised that was how she had looked every day since Somalia. The only difference now was that she looked peaceful.

He followed the ambulance to the hospital, sat in the waiting room and made the necessary calls.

**xxx**

Abby was hysterical when she got the news from Gibbs and he knew she would just be worse when she got to the hospital. He had tried to calm her but she hung up. Abby got to the hospital as fast as she could.

_Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! _Her mind screamed, _what if she dies?_ Abby would normally be screaming and freaking out but when she walked through the emergency room doors she was almost calm. She was so distraught she had lost the ability to form words. With tears running down her face, she walked into Gibbs' open arms and hugged him.

**xxx**

Although it might have been selfish, Tim was hurt. When Gibbs had called him and told him everything that had been going on with Ziva in the past couple of months all he felt was sadness and hurt. He thought of Ziva as a big sister and he was hurt because he didn't see what was happening to her. He knew she was upset but he didn't know that it had gone this far.

Going to the hospital was the easy part for Tim; the wait for news about Ziva's condition would be the hard part.

**xxx**

Ducky was the calm when Gibbs told him the news. He knew being panicked and frantic would do nothing. He offered to call Jimmy, knowing Gibbs would be sick of repeating the story.

Ducky loved Ziva like a daughter and seeing her so upset the past couple of months had been hard, but this, this was heartbreaking. He knew he had to be strong though, because there were others that Ducky knew wouldn't be.

He made his way to the hospital, knowing this would be a long night.

**xxx-**

Jimmy got the call from Ducky and immediately excused himself from the dinner he was at. He may not have been part of the "main gang" but he cared about Ziva just as much as the others.

He had to catch a taxi as a friend had given him a lift to the party. He knew there would be a delay but it didn't worry him. As bad as it was to say, Jimmy was not too worried about Ziva. He knew she was strong enough to pull through this, and she would have unwavering support.

What Ducky had failed to tell him, and what Jimmy had failed to take into account was the fact that Ziva might not be able to be saved, that she still had a chance of dying.

**xxx**

"I will make my way down there now," Vance said, just before he hung up the phone. Gibbs had just told him about Ziva and what had been happening with her in the last couple of months. The news saddened him and he just hoped he wouldn't have the lay another agent to rest.

**xxx**

When Tony got the phone call from Gibbs, he almost crashed his car. He couldn't believe it; he never thought Ziva would try to kill herself. Although Gibbs hadn't told him why, he wasn't stupid and could figure it out for himself. He hadn't thought about what he was saying when he and Ziva were fighting and now he was seeing the consequences. He knew he was the cause of this.

He had been driving for 2 hours but it would take him half that time to get to the hospital; he didn't care how many speeding tickets he might receive, he just had to get to Ziva.

The words Gibbs had said kept swirling around in his head; _Ziva's in hospital, she's tried to kill herself, she might not make it._ He just couldn't get it out of his head. The words were like a poison, seeping through his brain, and slowly but surely killing him. He didn't know what he would do without Ziva.

When he arrived at the hospital, he ran inside as fast as he could. He was the last of his team to arrive and that made him even more upset. Even Vance and Palmer had arrived before him.

He sat down in one of the uncomfortable, plastic chairs and waited for some, hopefully good, news.

**xxx**

Tony had walked in two hours after Ziva had been found. Everyone had looked at him and then went back to waiting. No-one was talking; no-one had the energy to. Vance was staring at the white walls, Jimmy was looking at his hands, Abby's head was rested on Gibbs shoulder while Gibbs just looked at the floor and Ducky was pacing, up and back, up and back.

Everyone was just waiting for some news.

The doors swung open and a doctor walked in. Everyone looked up in anticipation but the doctor kept walking. Everyone went back to waiting.

Another hour had passed when a doctor walked in and head towards the group. He tried to smile but there was a sad look on his face.

He started to speak...

**xxx**

**Wow I'm mean, just leaving a cliff-hanger like that ;)**


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